Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
