I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
