I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
