My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
