I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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