I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
