Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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