You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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