I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We need a shit load of segways right now
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
