ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
