I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
