it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
