Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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