do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
