Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
