I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
