I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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