you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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