Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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