the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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