How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
