god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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