so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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