I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
