Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
