I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
