I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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