she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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