I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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