we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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