We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
