the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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