My underwear smells like fireworks.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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