There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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