so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
