what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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