Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
