I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
