I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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