it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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