My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
