Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
