i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
All I want is dick and wine.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
