Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
