dude i'm inner monologue high
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
