Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
