so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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