I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
