I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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