I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
