She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
