She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
