That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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